Thank goodness. Eliot Spitzer, who managed to set a world record for political turnover from point of scandal to point of exit, has now resigned from office. Lieutenant Governor David Paterson is set to take over New York gubernatorial duties early next week. Spitzer now likely has to face a long stretch of sleeping on the couch and awkward requests at the breakfast table for his daughters to pass the sausage, muffin, or cream. What we’re left with is fallout sermonizing from those who’ve allegedly never had an erection, analyses from sex scandal experts, and long pieces about “falls from grace,” right? Wrong.

Apparently Spitzer’s resignation gave the cable media license to expand what it was already focusing on during this scandal, namely the sex itself. Today, Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC, the three cable juggernauts all had the same headline story. Never fear, dear readers, we now know the identity and a few details about the high-end call woman into which Spitzer was burying his short arm of the law. While the latter two more “reputable” news organizations merely used a saucy profile picture of the tanned beauty, the ever-reliable Fox chose to go with the more hard-hitting white bikini on a yacht shot. A sly smile, bulging breasts, and inviting crotch form the background of what amounts to a text message headline: “Love Gov’s Woman.” CNN went with the slightly more modest, “The Governor’s Gal.”

This story should shatter whatever jagged shards remain from the glass ceiling separating the 21st century cable news model from journalism and entertainment. The woman, 22-year-old Ashley Alexandra Dupre, a.k.a “Kristen,” was interviewed by The New York Times where she stated “I don’t want to be thought of as a monster.” Although one would think that America’s puritanical elite would pump through that very conclusion, profitability will dictate that Dupre will more likely be made out as a pitiable sex kitten that viewing demographics can fantasize about screwing on the kitchen counter. All three stories had very little to report other than what was already known about the Spitzer case and relied mostly on dredged-up musings from the woman’s own personal internet stockpile. The CNN headline story goes on to state “she revealed little else in the interview, but her MySpace page offered some insight into her background.” In an article already as invasive as a colonoscopy, there are actual excerpts from the woman’s MySpace profile and blog. If anything else, this should serve as a warning to anyone who might be susceptible to a headline-worthy infraction. Don’t use the internet. At all.

As countless news-curious men around the country fight to subdue erections in their business casual, I’m hoping at least a few are wondering the following: what is the point of this story? If it’s meant to somehow decry the evils of prostitution and demeaning women, then why did two of the largest news organizations in the United States both refer to the young woman summarily as a “gal?” If its purpose is to educate the public and help heal the psychological damage done to young women in this particular profession, then why trot out intimate details of the woman, including her measurements and names of her siblings? Was the purpose simply to report prescient news? Then why was half the article scrapped together from the MySpace writings of a former prostitute?

What should already be painfully apparent is that the purpose of the story is nothing noteworthy or commendable. It’s to attract the reader’s eye to an affordable Equifax FICO credit report. It is not news. Al Jazeera’s headline story today is an insightful look at the difficult plight of Laotian soldiers formerly used by the CIA in Vietnam. CNN has a story of a woman who took the next step down (or up) from Girls Gone Wild. If I want porn, I’ll look at porn, thank you very much.