With all the hullabaloo in the media about which of the three presidential frontrunners will make the best leader of the United States, we often miss what ordinary Americans want in an American president. Let’s examine the ideal American candidate based on what not only the pundits, but the American people tell us.

Gender

America’s ideal president is a man. Sorry, ladies, but despite the fact that the U.S. has seen 42 men as president and women have been appointed or elected to head of state positions in 26 other countries, the beacon of the free world just isn’t ready for a female in the oval office. America knows that if Pyongyang decides to point missiles at L.A., a woman would be too busy fidgeting with tampons or picking out the right pair of shoes to be able to address the threat with the gusto of a James Polk or Ronald Reagan.

Name

Now that we’ve settled the gender of the president, we can now safely say that the ideal candidate’s name will be David Reagan Adams. The first name must at all costs be a biblical name. However, certain biblical names won’t hold up if there are negative connotations to go along with them. For example, although Joseph passes the biblical test (stepdad to the Messiah), the name’s association with totalitarian figures like Josef Stalin and Joseph Goebbels will likely upset America’s World War II history buffs (approximately 2/3s of the electorate). A much more positive choice is David, the slayer of the dreaded Palestine (oops, Philistine). David embodies the winning spirit of America in the face of impossible odds, whether it’s a giant man with a club or the dark specter of global warming. The middle name is as close as you can get to all-American without resorting to the cumbersome “Arby’s Bacon Beef ‘n Cheddar.” Finally, to top it off is a surname that evokes the infallibility of the founding fathers without making it sound too black (”Washington” or “Jefferson”)

Race

On that note, America’s ideal president will be mixed race, but no one race will present itself at any one time. America is open-minded, but we’re not ready for an all-black president. Since a half-black, half-white candidate will either be criticized as being a diluted African American or a tainted white man, the ideal presidential candidate will manifest whiteness part of the time and blackness during the rest. During goodwill missions to non-Muslim African nations and inner-city schools, environmental summits, and White House dinners, the candidate will assume his blackness. However, during prayer, trips to Muslim countries, and generally any other function not included on the blackness list above, the candidate must remain white. Color transformations must occur in private and if a transitional period occurs when a candidate manifests shades of brown, he cannot be president.

Religion

In terms of religion, America’s ideal president is a former Baptist turned Presbyterian. The pillar of moral fiber, he will be frequently seen devoutly bowing his head and offering prayers for the victims of the latest natural disaster. However, not to be confused with a yuppie suburbanite, our ideal Presbyterian president will pass the time attending barbeques, throwing horseshoes, clearing brush, and citing an eclectic mix of Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp, and The Beatles as musical inspirations. In any case, the ideal American president must be Christian. While it is important to have several visible Jewish friends, David Reagan Adams cannot be a Jew himself. He must unconditionally supports Israel (just like every Jew), but cannot show the strong ties to the Hollywood elite that come with being Jewish. While Americans like “People Magazine” George Clooney, they don’t like George Clooney in politics. Under no circumstances can the ideal American president disavow belief in a higher power. If no other choice is available, then it is preferable that David Reagan Adams be a Unitarian rather than an atheist or agnostic.

Background and Lifestyle

America’s ideal president will be a 47-year-old veteran of World War II. If this is not possible, it is preferable to be a veteran of a just war like Korea rather than an ugly war like Vietnam. The conflicts in Kosovo and Somalia don’t really count as wars and the first Persian Gulf War got a bad rep because of the current Iraq War, so if David Reagan Adams isn’t a vet of a real or popular war, he should have just served in the National Guard. He should have at least 30 years of experience dealing with Congress and crisis situations, but should not be a Washington insider. He should enjoy jogging, cycling, and should have a sufficiently “white” dog (eg. a chocolate lab) that weighs at least thirty pounds. The successful candidate will have attended an Ivy League school, majoring in straight talk and minoring in answering red telephones. He will have a devoted wife who appears at library openings and children’s benefit events and he will have three daughters, preferably between the ages of six and sixteen. Presidential sons are too prone to homosexuality, marijuana, and activism.

Issues

In terms of the issues, our ideal president will support the war on terror, reduce military spending, support missile defense systems, reduce our dependence on foreign oil, oppose nuclear power, be in favor of a pro-growth economics, keep taxes low, hate big government, pledge increased government funding for education and infrastructure, uphold human rights, pledge to stop a terrorist attack at all costs, be against abortion, for the death penalty, strengthen the war on drugs, be tough on crime, decry the size of our prison population, focus on domestic issues, and deliver aid to African nations, attack the notion of America as the world’s policeman, but never take military action off the table.

Since none of the current candidates fulfill even a marginal embodiment of David Reagan Adams, it’s unclear what the American people are to do. Just remember, there’s always the movies.